


A Telling of Tales Which Eventually May Have Actual Tails

by LegendaryFanby



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Cold, Curses, Elevators, F/M, Ferris Wheels, Gen, Gods, Guns, M/M, Multi, Near Death Experiences, No Plot/Plotless, Not Really Character Death, One Night Stands, One Shot, Porn, Random & Short, Scenarios, Semi-Public Sex, Short, Showers, Snow, Snow Angels, Snow Day, Songfic, Stabbing, Swords, Temporary Character Death, Trapped In Elevator, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-02-07 08:53:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 5,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegendaryFanby/pseuds/LegendaryFanby
Summary: A collection of oneshots/scenarios/things that would never make it as actual fics.Not sure when I'll update, but I think this will be fun.They're all unrelated unless stated otherwise but you can read them as if they are.





	1. Tall (a considerably long short)

  "Atticus, give it back! I mean it!" Ichabod would stab Atticus in the shins, but that would defeat the purpose of what he's threatening the man for. "Give me back my knife. I need it!" Ichabod jumped up to no avail. It's not like Atticus was much taller, only like an inch. But the guy had monkey arms for Christ's sake. 

  Atticus just smiled down at the struggling man- until his leg was kicked. Hard. "Fuck! Ow! Ichabod did you just kick me?" 

 The accused man squinted his eyes far more than necessary. "Maybe. Did you take my knife?"

 Atticus decided to put the lunatic through more misery. "Fine. I guess you don't want this then." He began to walk away.

 "No!"

 

  Ichange hopped on the table (thank whatever that they have high ceilings and his head can't reach the fan) and launched himself off, missing his intended target and face-smacking on the wall. Atticus doubled over laughing his ass off, but sadly not long enough for Wilford to regain footing and reach his beloved.. Blade. 

  Ichabod screamed in anguish.

\--

  The time is 4am. 

 Atticus is has been long, deep asleep.

Ichabod carefully crept into Atticus' bedroom, across the floor and onto the bed. He stood on Atticus' right side instead of with either leg at Atticus' sides- the position he's in makes it easier to escape and harder to be flung off. 

 He dumps his mop bucket full of ice cube water right on the sleeping man's face. All in one go.

  "WHO'S THE TALL ONE NOW, MOTHERFUCKER."


	2. One Night Only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "One Night Only" The Struts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:
> 
> I'll give you one night only  
> For your eyes only  
> Oh, oh, oh
> 
> Like an eagle in the sky  
> You can't control it  
> There's a magic in my eyes  
> And I can't stop it  
> Burning down  
> On the edge of tonight  
> Cause tomorrow we'll be owning the world
> 
> All my scars  
> I've got to show them  
> There's a fire in my heart  
> And I can't stop it  
> Burning down  
> On the edge of tonight  
> Cause tomorrow we'll be owning the world
> 
> You know  
> Like pure, white gold
> 
> I'll give you one night only  
> For your eyes only  
> If entertainment is what you want  
> Then honey, I'm the best  
> I know that we're together  
> For all your pleasure  
> Forever, forever, forever  
> This is how we burn
> 
> Yeah, I want to ride into the night  
> Supersonic  
> Like a dragon in the sky  
> Riding on it  
> Screaming loud  
> At the edge of tonight  
> Cause tomorrow we'll be ruling the world
> 
> On the run  
> I'm in the moonlight  
> There's a bullet in the gun  
> And I'm gonna shoot it  
> Above the clouds  
> At the edge of tonight  
> Cause tomorrow we'll be ruling the world
> 
> You know  
> Like pure, white gold
> 
> I'll give you one night only  
> For your eyes only  
> If entertainment is what you want  
> Then honey, I'm the best  
> I know that we're together  
> For all your pleasure  
> Forever, forever, forever  
> This is how we burn  
> This is how we burn  
> This is how we burn  
> Yeah, yeah, yeah
> 
> I just wanna rise  
> I just wanna turn and face the strange  
> Sometimes the fear in us  
> Turns to the best of us  
> I just wanna have some fun  
> I just wanna throw that one, two punch  
> Sometimes the tear in us  
> Turns to the best of us
> 
> I'll give you one night only  
> For your eyes only  
> If entertainment is what you want  
> Then honey, I'm the best
> 
> I'll give you one night only  
> For your eyes only  
> If entertainment is what you want  
> Then honey, I'm the best  
> I know that we're together  
> For all your pleasure  
> Forever, forever, forever  
> This is how we burn  
> This is how we burn  
> This is how we burn

  The night was coming to an end, going into the early morning.

 Two men gripping tightly at each other with want. Neither one drunk as they can't drink, but both drunk enough on lust. Fingers curled in locks of hair, lips crushing against one another, teeth clanking, shared breaths. 

 They briefly pulled away to steady themselves enough to rip off their clothing, leaving them as nude as possible. A look down, a smirk, two smirks, one man gets on his knees to take the other in his mouth swallowing him as best he can. They moaned in sync, one on the brink of orgasm, the other working hard to get him there. 

 "Stop. Not yet." He was listened to and pushed on the bed, the man soon following him. Moonlight spilling over them from the open curtains making their tangled tan thighs milky white. Hard cocks ground together, leaving warm sticky smears all over.

  Hips are gripped, tongues are twisted around, eyes are locked.

 Hair is curly and wet, sweat dripping down their faces.

  Neither one is a top or bottom, they're both equally giving and receiving. Taking.

 Each man was exhausted, breathless, but they kept going.

 

  Seconds, minutes, hours, it all blurred together. It was just them. Just the two of them and their skin on fire.

  Each man's orgasmed ripped through him, making them groan in ectasy. Splattering their chest in white.

 

  The lie like that, drifting in and out of sleep, vision blurry, hearts calm.

 But for one night only.


	3. Ferris Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by my sister on who would be the one tilting the bowl or cup or whatever it's called on the Ferris wheel, and who would be the one freaking out and begging them to stop.
> 
> Alright, Rebecca! Great job, man.

  This was a terrible idea.

  Atticus was okay with roller coasters, hotshots, marry-go-rounds, that weird spinny shit, but he should have never agreed to this. But he did, and now he's here.

  "Damn it, Ichabod! Stop it!" Atticus screamed for probably the fourth time since entering the death trap of a ride.

 Ichabod sat there with a stupid grin on his face that Atticus wanted to punch off but he was already scared enough that he was worried just the beating of his heart would cause them to fall out and plummet to the ground. Ichabod stopped moving it and Atticus thought maybe his lunatic of a friend's torment was over, but he was wrong. 

  Instead the crazy motherfucker jumped up and plopped down right beside Atticus causing the entire structure to tilt down, making Atticus instinctly grab onto the closest thing he could find which happened to be the laughing jackass. 

  "If you're going to tilt it at least even out our weight!!" Atticus screamed whilst burrying his head in Ichabod's chest, clutching onto his shirt. Atticus would grab onto the middle pole but he's too scared to move. 

  "You were fine during all of the other rides. What happened this time? Rollercoasters are a lot faster, ya know."

 Atticus furrowed his brows. "Roller coasters and all of the other rides had seat belts!"

 Ichabod laughed his annoying laugh again and Atticus mentally sweared he was shaving off his perfect eyebrows while he sleeps. "Don't worry, Atty baby, big daddy Ich will protect you." He wrapped his arms around him.

 

 This was his plan all along.

 

 

 After Atticus was off of Satan's worst creation ever, he immediately went to sit on the nearest bench so he could calm his breathing. Ichabod sauntered over with a proud look on his face.

 "You were a big boy today, I'm proud." 

 Atticus flipped his friend the bird and went back to clutching his heart. 


	4. Today's agenda

 4:27 AM  _Before work_

* * *

"Is that blood?"

 Ichabod looked to see his entire left side drenched in the suspected fluid.

  "No?"

  "You're not supposed to answer that question with another question." Atticus sighed as he fixed his tie in the mirror.

  "Just please change before you get blood all over the new sheets."

 Ichabod saluted in response.

 

5:31 PM  _After work_  

* * *

 

"Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into?" Ichabod asked with hands on his hips and his lips pursed.

 "Oh god, we're going to die, aren't we?"

 "It's a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself."

 "You absolutely do not."

 

 12:02 AM 

* * *

 

  Ichabod checked his watch before looking down at the lifeless body.

 "Murder wasn't on today's agenda."

 "It's not on anyone's."

 "No, it's on mine, just not until next Thursday."

  Atticus pulled his eyes away from the grotesque scene before them to look at the man nonchalantly adjusting his suspenders  

 "Right now I don't know if I want to kiss you or shove you off of this bridge."

 "Can I pick?"


	5. Shot through the heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Laser tag, not actual hearts getting shot through with actual bullets from actual guns
> 
> Second disclaimer: I've never played laser tag so I have no idea how it goes or what it's like but I took a guess

  Ichabod crept through the dark halls illuminated by neon paint. He didn't hear anyone nor see anyone, but he felt like he was being followed. He realized he had walked the complete length of this wall and was about to turn and continue to the right when someone shoved him into the corner, preventing him from lifting his gun. 

  Through the poor lighting he could see Atticus, the being he's had the hots for ever since he came into existence. Friend, boyfriend, same thing. Atticus smirked before pressing his mouth to Ichabod's and bringing them to a heated kiss way too fast and way too short.

  He pulled away and before Ichabod could even think of a response he was shot in the chest, his armor glowing red.

  "I win." Atticus ran off to find the others leaving Ichabod alone to figure out how to get that to happen again.


	6. Never again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genderswap!Ichabod
> 
> Possible trigger warnings: abusive relationships

   Ingrid was meeting Atticus for lunch. They don't get to do this much anymore since Ingrid got a boyfriend a while back. Atticus doesn't like the guy but he first noticed the bruises on Ingrid's arms a few months ago. At first Atticus thought maybe Ingrid was just engaging in some kinky sex which he laughed about and Ingrid blushed and pulled her sleeves down.

 Atticus later saw the larger bruises along her back when he walked into the changing room to help her untangle her bra strap from the top's zipper. "What happened?" Atticus exclaimed. "I've never seen a bruise this bad and I've gotten in tons of fist fights. Did you fall on a fire hydrant again with your crazy shoes? I told you it's not worth it if you break your neck in them." Atticus looked down taking note she was wearing pink sneakers instead of her usual choice in footwear.  
Atticus gave her an out. Ingrid could lie and say that that was exactly what happened. But she didn't.

  "Actually it was Joe. It's okay he won't do it again, it.. It was just an accident. 'T's my fault anyway." She looked away as she explained yanking her shirt down and away from Atticus hands.

 Atticus was immediately furious, his whole face scrunched up, which had Ingrid cowering back in the stall, Atticus saw this reaction and calmed himself. "Oh, no. It's okay. I promise I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad at Joe. This is not your fault. I'm goin' to kick his fucking ass." Ingrid sighed.  
"It is my fault. If I hadn't been a stupid bitch then he wouldn't have lost his temper."  
Atticus' mouth dropped. "Has he been calling you names, too?"  
Ingrid nodded.

  
  "Dumb bitch! Fuckin' whore! Thought I told you last time you went out that you couldn't go out again??" Joe screamed as he threw the telephone, ripping the entire base from the wall. He turned to her, "Give me your phone."

 "W-what? Joe, I need my phone for wor-."  
 "I don't give a fuck! You should have thought of that shit before you were out fucking the entire city you fucking slut! Now give me your goddamn phone or I'll take that bitch from you!" Joe screamed in her face, split flying.  
Ingrid was tearing up. She tried not to, she knows if she cries he gets worse. But she can't help it. She can't stop it. She reached into her pocket but before she could get it out he yanked her arm away and wrenched the device out.

  "Oh, you're gunna cry now? Good! Maybe this time you'll learn your lesson." He started walking away, but turned back and slapped her clear across the kitchen and into their table, hurting her side, too, in the process.

  
 It had been a few days, or a week to be exact, since the phone incident. Ingrid was at work when her assistant told her she had gotten a phone call. Worried it was Joe, she jumped on it to answer.

  "Hello? This.. This is Ingrid, news anchor for wbrz."  
  
  "Ingrid." It was just her name but that enough was to send her into tears.  
"Atticus.. Hey, how are you?" Her weird musical voice with her unidentifiable accent filled his ears.  
 "Inny, I've tried to call. Why haven't you answered? I've been worried sick." It wasn't an accusing tone, just sounded really  really sad.

  "Oh, sorry. The phone's broken."  
"Both of them?"  
  "Ha, yeah. Y'know dumb electronics. Breaking allll the time."  
 "Unless someone's breaking them." Ingrid stayed silent.  
 "He's breaking them, isn't he, Ingrid?"

  
   Ingrid cried pitifully into Atticus' chest. He swung by the office and took her to lunch so they could talk.  
What he saw.. He couldn't believe what this asshole was doing to her.  
She was skinny and she wore a whole lot more makeup than she usually did which was maybe some subtle black eyeliner, pink eyeshadow, and pink lipstick and powder. She always had natural beauty and she only enhanced it.  
Now she has on a crazy amount of mascara which was running down her face along with who knows how many foundations, bases, concealers, and powders she had on. She still looked beautiful as always, she was still Ingrid.  
But this wasn't her.

 He noticed her clothes were a lot looser, her bra size was noticeably smaller than it was just a week ago. How had she lost so much weight so fast? There can't be an explanation except that she hadn't eaten at all in that timeframe. And that just doesn't seem like Ingrid, yes she had always been curvy and a healthy weight but she never paid any attention to the scale or what others thought of her. She was confident. So there's no way she would have lost all of this weight just for her benefit.  
This was Joe's doing.

 He rubbed soothing circles on her back trying to calm her. "Honey, you should really eat." Which immediately prompted her head to shake. She had refused to order so he ordered enough to share. He even ordered her favorite strawberry milkshake.  
  "Please? Just one fry." He hoped it would tempt her appetite.  
He mentally crossed his fingers as she eyed the basket in front of her before tentatively reaching out. It went as planned and she was soon eating her portion of food, he just hoped she wouldn't get sick from eating for the first time in so long or eating right after being so upset.  
She ate faster than he's ever seen her eat and it made him smile seeing that flash of his old friend.  
She was finished all too soon and he gently pushed his share to her. At first she seemed as she was going to reject it, but she began eating that too.

 The waiter showed up with the large milkshake prompting the girl's attention. She looked to Atticus for confirmation that she could drink it and he gave a small laugh with a "Go ahead, I ordered it for you."

  
  After Ingrid was finally full she dabbed at her tear stained face making it worse but Atticus kept that to himself because honestly who cares. Messy mascara is still beautiful on the most amazing girl he's ever known.  
 "So what do you want to know?" She asked.  
Atticus didn't know where to begin so he just blurted out the first thing on his mind.  
  "Why? I mean, why stay?"  
Oh, Atticus really didn't know.  
 "I would leave if I could. It's a lot harder than anyone thinks."  
 "Why is it so hard? I can help you pack up but it's your house so I can pack his shit up and-"  
  "You don't get it." She interrupted. "No one does. You can't just 'leave'. No one gets that. You're trapped. Some can get away, but it's hard as fuck and you have to adjust your entire life. He knows who I am, where I live, and where I work. I'd have to quit my job and change my name, for sure. I'd never be able to show my face on tv or anything.

 Atticus didn't understand how it could be this bad. I mean, the evidence is right there. But... Is it really that hard to leave?

  "So, uh, thanks for the food, Atticus. Sorry I ate all of yours. I should really get back to the station, I spent most of my lunch time crying."  
 "Please don't leave. Let me help you. Anything you need, I'll help." Atticus begged, not ready to lose his friend again.  
  
   Ingrid smiled at her best friend. "Don't worry, Atticus. It'll end one day. I love you."  
  
  Atticus didn't hear from her again until a month later, or rather, from her work. Everyone at the station knew Atticus, some even had betting pools that Ingrid and Atticus would end up together. So they thought to call him.

  Ingrid hadn't been to work in a few days, they sent in someone to her house.

 It ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first this was based off of what I've grown up witnessing. 
> 
> Abuse comes in many forms.  
> Sexual, physical, verbal, mental, psychological, it's crazy. 
> 
> You can be abused no matter gender, and you can be the abuser no matter gender.  
> It doesn't have to be someone you're dating. Abuse can come from parents, siblings, friends, anywhere.
> 
> It is hard to get away. It is scary.  
> And sometimes the only way out is death. 
> 
> Please do not say "well it was her fault she could have just left." No, it is unbelievably hard to get away.  
> Please do not say "boys don't get abused."  
> Yes, they can. Just like they can be raped.  
> Please do not say "not all men are like that"  
> Of course not, but that doesn't mean people aren't scared or can't be scared and hesitant around strangers. 
> 
> I hope if anyone here gets in a relationship like this they can get away.


	7. Where is death when you need them?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pissing off gods can get you all sorts of curses.
> 
> Even ones that cancel each other out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curses, gods, murders, and cheating death. Woo fun!

  He pulled the knife from his chest as he sat up before tossing it on the ground beside him to see his boyfriend with wide eyes.

 "Rude."

"Hold on, you _died_."

"Yeah, well it didn't stick. Wait. Did you just stab me?"

"Well, this is awkward."

 Atticus studied the man before him. He loves him, and the gods said anyone he falls in love with he would kill. So why isn't this baffoon dead? Is this some kind of sick joke? He had killed all the others.

 "So are we still going back to your place or?"

-

 Ichabod was preparing dinner for their night in when he felt Atticus wrap his arms around him from behind. Ichabod smirked and began to turn when the knife he was just using to cut vegetables was plunged into his heart.

 "Not again."

-

 Atticus always liked classic things. So whenever he had the opportunity to purchase some weird family heirloom sword from a collector he jumped on it.

 Then impaled Ichabod with it.

 

 Ichabod sighed. He was just trying to enjoy a prerecording of his game show. "Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?"

 

-

-

 Bonus scene:

 "I told you it would work! You owe me a twenty."

 " _Fine_. But next time we're betting on something other than people."

 "Sure we are."


	8. Snow day

  "It needs a mustache."

 

 Ichabod and Atticus were outside. Ichabod had woken Atticus way too early to exclaim that it was snowing, which actually surprisingly triggered a similar response from ATricia which had him jumping out of the bed to run to the window and then to throw on warmer clothes. It's not every winter that it snows like this.

 They've been outside ever since.  They finally finished their snowman after a horrible snow ball fight. Horrible because they both suck at aiming and Ichatticus the first (we are not naming it that!) took most of the hits so he has had like three different forms in the last hour. 

 "We are not putting a mustache on it."

 Ichabod retaliated by scooping up some snow and skillfully sculpting it into a handlebar 'stache and hollowing out the head where it would go so it would fit and stay. 

 "Okay fine it can stay."

 Ichabod hummed in agreement and stealthily turned his attention to Atticus. 

 "Alright I think we've done all that we can here unless you want to do snowange-? AH!" Ichabod tackled him down into the plush earth. Wow, snow is really soft. 

 Ichabod scrambled up as fast as he could and ran like the police were after him as Atticus chased him around the yard. Finally they resorted to more snowball flinging and Ichabod deciding it was time to go in when Atticus got his revenge and tackled Ichabod facedown into the snow, pinning him down. It's weird; the snow isn't actually that cold. Like Ichabod's had ice cream colder than this. Showers colder. It's probably because they've been out here so long. He can tell because his fingers are stinging and Atticus' cheeks were red.

 Once Atticus let him up Ichabod rolled over and began his snow angel, later being joined by Atticus himself.

 Ichabod layed there for a few minutes watching the snow drift down from the grey opaque sky, landing on his face and tongue, getting caught in his lashes.

 After they were up Atticus decided they needed halos, which Ichabod was pretty sure was bull because what angel actually has an angel? Did the Bible even say that? He didn't even read the Bible or believe in angels. Or, well, hm. Maybe he did. Sometimes he thinks he has one, a guardian angel watching over him or something. His thoughts were interrupted by Atticus placing his foot in just the wrong place. 

  "Hey! You're stepping on my head!!"

 Atticus looked up and back down. "That's your head? Oops." He began laughing manically leaving Ichabod to sigh. Alright that's enough, time to go inside. 

-

  Building a snowman in the front yard, Ichabod wiping out on the driveway, and six hours later they were here drinking hot chocolate and eating plain toast with potato chips. 

 "Try dipping your toast in your hot chocolate. It tastes good." 

 Atticus wrinkled his nose, "Gross!" But he tried it without any other persuasion. 

 After Ichabod continued to dip his, Atticus spoke up saying he didn't care for it too much to which Ichabod replied. "You gotta let it soak. It tastes better that way." Ichabod tried to explain the taste but he couldn't remember what the taste actually reminds him of, just that it's chocolatey goodness.

  They continued eating their lunch with talk and promises saying that this was the most fun they've ever had, and trying to figure out which state has the most snow so they could move there. Their lunch would become a tradition, too.


	9. Cold shoulder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been bouncing this steamy (pun unintended) shower sex thing in my head for a week now but the thing is regardless of the weather outside I only take ice cold showers and I thought "if someone tried to join me in here they'd freeze their asses off" so now there's no sex scene and I'm laughing my ass off at this fic.

  Usually Ichabod loved sex and loved to resolve sexual conflict. 

 But for some reason Atticus just couldn't get Ichabod's attention. Call it the season of giving; the season of Ichabod giving Atticus a hard time, that is.

 

  "Come onnnnn! Babe, I've been waiting forever. Just a quickie, please?" Atticus begged following Ichabod around like a dog trying to get their owner's food.

 "Nope. I'm going to take a shower. You can wait here."

 

 

  Ichabod sighed in contentment as the frigid water sprayed over his chest and dripping down to be drained. 

  Something about the cold eased his muscles even when hot water couldn't. Relaxing him and putting him in a state similar to that of meditation.

 That is until he felt someone open the shower curtain.

 Atticus climbed in behind Ichabod, prompting him to immediately face him. 

 "What do you want, Atticus? I am trying to shower in peace." Ichabod definitely did not miss Atticus' stiffy as he glanced down.

 "You seem cold." He reached to place his hands on Ichabod's waist trailing down slightly. "Maybe I can warm you up.." 

  Ichabod hummed, an idea forming. "Yes, you can." His hands flew to grip Atticus' shoulders and immediately switch places with him, pushing him right under the spray. 

  Like magic Atticus' boner shriveled up like it had never been there and he immediately tried to shove past the grinning sadist to be free of what made him feel like he was having a threesome with two glaciers, and he was in the middle.

  "What the fuck is wrong with you!?" His teeth were chattering over exaggeratedly as he stumbled out and stole Ichabod's towel on the way. 

  He left Ichabod laughing at his goosefleshed ass. "What happened to warming me up?"

 "Fuck you. If you want to be warmed up you can go to hell and fuck Satan."


	10. With frosting on top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you from the bottom of my heart, but I don't trust your cooking. Stay out of my kitchen."

  Atticus was baking cupcakes. Not necessarily for breakfast but just because he likes to bake.

 But then Ichabod showed.

  He wrapped his arms around Atticus' waist from behind and rested his chin on his shoulder. "You look sleepy. Why don't you go rest and I'll take over for you, hmm?"

 "No thanks, Ich, I'm good." He dismissed without a second thought.

 "Aw, Atty, come on. Let me help you. Then we can have some fun~." He slowly started moving his lower waist.

 "Ichabod, no. We can later. I'm busy now." He continued to stir the batter despite the added distraction.

 "But, Atty, why can't-" "I love you from the bottom of my heart, Ichabod, but I do not trust your cooking. Stay out of my kitchen. Go."

 Ichabod stilled his movements, let out a sigh, and removed himself from his lover's back.

 "Fine, but you're so letting me blow you while you frost them."

 Atticus let out a laugh. "Fine."

 


	11. Doing Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to do this one forever.

  The entire office was holding a meeting. Everyone as there, even the lesser knowns. Everyone but Ichabod and Atticus, that is.

 

 "I, along with everyone else in the room, am beginning to become exTREMELY AGITATED AT THE SHEER AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES FOR TWO INCOMPETENT PISS POOR EXCUSES FOR EMPLOYEES TO-"

 "Hey, calm down. They're probably just-" Noc was interrupted by George. "Psychology Today states some people are always late because-" George was then cut off by Bixby whom was given a death glare but luckily everyone avoided witnessing his death by the room being entered by the two missing very disheveled party members. 

 "Sorry I'm late, everybody. I was.. Doing stuff." Atticus with rosy cheeks supplied as an excuse which had George frowning since it was obvious he was doing more than just 'stuff'.

 "I'm stuff." Ichabod announced smugly which had everyone else except one groaning blatantly at their oversharing coworker.

 "DUde!" Bixby exclaimed. "...Can I join next time?" Everyone groaned yet again in disbelief.

 "Sure you can!"


	12. Love is like a car, you don't always see it coming

  It was broad daylight. Atticus had gotten enough sleep, he wasn't on drugs, and he wasn't in a hurry.

 So you can understand how shocked he was to not only see a bright pink man run out in front of his car, but also for him to hit said man.

 He slammed on his breaks, but it was too late. 

 He made sure to set his emergency break so he wouldn't accidentally run over him a second time, or himself. 

 

 "Sir? Sir, oh my god! Are you okay? I'm so sorry I didn't see you!"

 The man was clutching his hip and his eyes were erratic. "What.. WHAT THE FUCK!"

 

 

 

  "Wait so you're telling me that you were chased by a giant.. Bear?"

 Ichabod nodded his head enthusiastically. "It was full of bees."

 "Bees?"

 "Bees." 

 Atticus wondered if Ichabod has a little more than just a concussion with some bruises and fractured bones.

 He looked over to the pink flowers he brought him on each of the visits. Roses, daisies, carnations, some other weird flowers he doesn't know the name of. The man loves pink.

 "I still can't believe no one else has come to visit you."

 This elicited a shrug. "Not everyone likes Ichabod.. Well, they like Ichabod Crane, but I'm not him so they don't like me." 

 Atticus didn't think. "I like you." 

 Ichabod's lip curled up. "I like you too, Atty."

 "Would you.. Would you maybe want to have a date with me? After you get out, I mean."

 "Isn't that what we've been doing for the past week?"


	13. Time to ESCALATE our problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my sister oh my god this one is great.

 Atticus and Ichabod were having a mall day. 

 They were just buying some new clothes since Ichabod swears he can only buy one brand of his bowties and that one brand is only sold here. 

 They had bags in their hands, not an unnecessary amount but just enough to be a hassel. 

  "Atticus, come on hold my bags."

 "No, you insisted you just had to have that many bowties. Now you have to carry them."

 "But I need to tie my shoe!"

 Atticus exhaled loudly, putting emphasis on his annoyance. "Wait until we get to the top of- ICHABOD?!" Ichabod's shoelace caught in the death stairs, now he's falling. Up the stairs.

 His bags were in disarray, the contents spilling everywhere hitting some of the people underneath them on the ground level.

 People started screaming and just _standing_ there.

 "Ichabod! Hold on! I'll-" Ichabod grabbed Atticus' leg, yanking him down to join him.

 "AHH!" Now Atticus was skidding down the stairs on his back way faster than Ichabod was so gravity took him down, definitely cutting through his shirt and across his skin.

 As much as Atricks wanted to just groan in pain he winced as he got to his feet and slammed the emergency stop button, causing Ichabod to stop his tumbling and finally fall to the ground. 

 "That's it. I'm never wearing lace up shoes again. Just crocs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hilarious before I remembered this happened to my cousin when he was like two. 
> 
> He's okay now.
> 
> Also crocs are still pretty dangerous but let's be real they're terrifying. Even if they're not beause I love crocs, the memes are great.


	14. Off his chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so fucking short but you know what I am very happy with it and myself

  "I have to get something off of my chest."

 Ichabod crossed his fingers, "Is it your shirt? I hope it's shirt, please."

 

 

  They're breathing finally calmed, allowing them to shift into an almost sleep.

 "I have to get something off of my chest."

 "What is it?"

 "You. You're crushing me, get off."

 "I already did, but f _ineeEEee._ " 

 Atticus breathed a sigh of relief as the weight was lifted off of his lungs. This happens every time.


	15. Ollie's back at it again with yet another infamous superhero/villain AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throwback to the WASHTDWASWTTTBF days

  "You were supposed to stop me!" Ichabod cried, cradling Atticus' lifeless body.

 "You were supposed to save the day!" A sob interrupted his sentence. "You had everything you needed to stop me! So why... Why am I still here?"

 He brushed some of Atticus' blood slicked hair from his cooling face. "What went wrong?" Tears fell down and dropped off of his red cheeks. Please wake up! I can't do this alone. I need my hero. You're my hero, Atticus. I'm nothing without you. Please... Please. Please wake up. I need you. You have to save them. Please. I'm sorry."

 

  The villain stayed there all night, blood seeping into his clothing. But he didn't notice. He just kept begging his hero to please, please wake up.


	16. Meetings

  Atticus ran into the closing elevator, feeling lucky to have caught it. He's late for his meeting.

 

 The emergency elevator stop button was slammed down by a man with a thick-striped suit, gaining everyone's attention.

 "What the fuck!?" "What are you doing?!" "Why did you do that, I'm going to be late for my meeting!" And various other confused voices filled the tiny elevator shaft. This much body weight might not even be safe, you definitely can't move.

 

 "So I bet you are all wondering why I've gathered you here." He somehow made room and got down on one knee in front of Atticus before pulling out a blue twist tie in the shape of a ring.

 "Will you marry me?" 

 There was brief silence before someone in yellow sunglasses yelled "AW!" 

 

 Atticus' mouth dropped.

 "I don't even know you??"

 


	17. Driver picks the music, shotgun can get the fuck out and walk if he doesn't like it

  Atticus was paying no attention to his surroundings. I mean, he was, but nothing was really happening. He was just casually singing along to Taylor Swift when a crazed man ran down the road in a chicken suit, something small and shiny in his hand. And is that a handlebar mustache?

 He yanked open Atticus' passenger door, which he really should have locked, and  _flew_ into his car.  "Drive!" 

 "Is that a gun?" "I SAID DRIVE!" He began waving the gun around making Atticus slam his foot down on the gas and peel out of his parallel parking space, seeing two ridiculous looking cops -one without pants- running and looking side to side comically before going straight.

 

 "Look, sir-" "It's Ichabod." "Look, Ichabod, I don't want any trouble I just-"  _ **''Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in** - **'**_  Ichabod cocked a brow at the driver's music choice before reaching an arm up to change the channel, only to be slapped back down.

 "Hell no. You're in my car.  _I_ pick the music."

 Ichabod smirked. He didn't mention that they had already evaded the police so he just enjoyed the ride. Maybe they can go out to dinner, too.

 He is pretty cute.


	18. Don't stab everyone if you don't have a spare dress shirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How's the meeting?"  
> "I want to stab everyone."  
> "Don't get blood on your dress shirt. We have dinner reservations at seven."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH WRITING WOO.
> 
> And I've come to realize I suck at writing tbh

_**Atticus:** _

 How's the meeting?

 _ **Ichabod:** _

I want to stab everyone.

_**Atticus:** _

No, you'll get blood on your dress shirt. We have dinner reservations at seven. 

_**Ichabod:** _

Could you maybe just bring me a spare shirt ?

_**Atticus:** _

Nice try. 

_**Atticus:** _

No stabbing.

_**Ichabod:** _

Oh, come on. Just a little? How about only one person

_**Atticus:** _

No.

_**Ichabod:** _

Just Bob.

_**Atticus:** _

Absolutely not.

_**Ichabod:** _

Steve.

_**Atticus:** _

No.

_**Ichabod:** _

Oh, come on.

_**Ichabod:** _

Ed.

_**Atticus:** _

...

_**Atticus:** _

I'll bring you a spare shirt.

_**Ichabod:** _

Thanks, babe. Love you.

 _ **Atticus:**_  

Love you, too.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading through all my drafts and I found one that literally just said  
> "Demons
> 
> They warned him not to."
> 
> Tf????? Why do I have no recollection of this?? It had no details at all! Just those six words


End file.
